A Letter To Mom

Been really missing you. I hope you know that I do. I know I'm not like anyone else that you know in this world and I know that makes me difficult to understand, but just know that I understand deeply the gravity of the decisions that I make in my life. I think I somehow have a gift for projecting myself into the future and seeing the potential outcomes of each new situation that I encounter. The other night, while meditating, I even had a sort of panicked revelation about my decision to move out of the country. In this epiphany, I saw a future where I was halfway across the world and exploring the path that I feel, somehow, aligns with my true destiny, but I also saw that my family, after years of wondering why I do what I do, had all but given up on me, as the sheer distance between us geographically(and, perhaps, the distance across time) had made it all the more impossible for us to connect. I saw this as if it had already happened and I experienced, simultaneously, the intense joy and excitement of pursuing an existence where I was completely true to the desires of my heart and the deep, distraught, sadness and pain of feeling virtually severed from my family(and friends) who, by no fault of their own, had long stared with vexing uncertainty into the seemingly infinite abyss of when(or even if) they might ever see me again and who had inevitably realized that they might never understand why I went so far away so long ago...

In thinking about this, I became quite devastated and it almost made me not want to go anywhere ever, but then I remembered the extreme wonder of the universe and the deep, burning, curiosity I had within to be out there exploring it all and all of the years of consequential unhappiness I experienced whenever I had ignored all of that and rooted myself firmly in just one place. So, I thought to myself, the ones I love might not understand just now, but this is my chance to look deep within...beyond fear...without hesitation...and truly listen to my inner self and, who knows, maybe even find my true purpose in this life. Some of the greatest philosophical and spiritual minds throughout the ages have conceded, with much wisdom, that the purpose in life must be just learning how TO BE and how to be at peace with that and all that is, but I think the truth is even deeper than all that.

I think there's something each of us is here to do and that something has everything to do with what we each feel in our hearts and that in following those feelings we finally begin to understand who we REALLY are. I think traveling is what I've always dreamed of more than anything and I feel as if it, and the encounters that I will have as a result of doing it, are part of the role that I was born to fulfill. I've begun to realize that all my dreams that I've followed after with such determination in my life were mostly just a means of providing me with the resources to ultimately fulfill that true, underlying, dream of traveling the world and to be honest, I don't think the world is really even enough for me. Perhaps, nothing will ever be, as I see so clearly that there is just too much to see and learn and experience in this life and, because of that, I think I will always feel like I have to know what's out there and seek after the meaning behind it all.

Also, although it may seem like it, even to myself at times, I have no desire to live this life in complete solitude forever. I just have such radical ideas about this life that people rarely seem to understand me enough to truly connect with me. I would travel out to the stars for the rest of my life though if I could and I'd welcome anyone who wanted to take on that adventure with me, but that's just the way that I am. I think I was born with that for sure...that insatiable longing to know what's out there beyond everything...beyond all space and time...beyond the illusions of this three dimensional reality...

In the meantime, however, I travel in my consciousness through meditation and soon I feel that I must set out even further into the world. The need to do so makes no suggestion about how much I care about or love my family or about anyone else, but rather, whether or not I do it...and whether or not I listen to the wisdom of my heart...makes every statement in the world about how much I care about myself... :)

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH!!! :D